When life (or Nigeria) Gives you Lemons....Make Special Lemonade (with a shot of vodka)!

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

You Drive Me Crazy

So over a year later and I am back! I have to be completely honest, I just felt like I had run out of material to blog about because (silly me) I thought 'I am happily ensconced in a wonderful relationship, look at me, NO MORE ANGST!!!' Well I am still happily ensconced and I have to admit my angst cup does not runneth over but I still have so much to say, not to mention that my previous posts were just a tip of the iceberg of my crazy experiences.

Periodically I come back to my blog and I read it and I say to myself, 'tomorrow I will blog!' But then I never do.

Yesterday out of sheer curiosity (not any hidden narcissistic tendencies, never!) I googled my blog and I found out that three people had recently 'tweeted' about my Blog and suddenly I wanted to GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANTED!!! (well the 3 people who seem to read and ACTUALLY like my blog)

so @IsokenObsidian, @NicosiNugo and @ImAbsy thank you for spending your valuable time reading my blog!!

Which brings me to the phenomenon that Twitter has become. A little over a year ago i joined the social network and was amazed at what people had to say in 140 characters or less! Its fascinating! disgusting! annoying! educational! I love it as much as I hate it. Everyone has an opinion about everything no matter how demented it makes them sound, people get into twitter fights with people they don't even know, people shamelessly stalk celebrities; the free media, gotta love it.

My post today is about something every single woman can relate to, it is about the CRAZIES. What are the CRAZIES you may ask and why is the word deserving of all caps you may ponder, well because the CRAZIES are part and parcel of every relationship, successful or otherwise.

Every girl at some time or another has had the CRAZIES, you know, the moment when you feel everything turning red and steam is pouring out of your ears and you begin to think of doing things that could get you 30 to life, in the calmest most justified manner? It manifests in different ways, it could be the harmless burning of all his worldly possessions, or perhaps hiring someone to spy on him or even to seduce him. It could take the form of a screaming match where you throw things at his head but deliberately miss because YES you want him to know you are ANGRY but you don't want to scar that pretty little face of his, and what really is the point of getting blood everywhere if you are likely to make up and have hot, torrid make up sex?

But, what really is the point? What is the point of unleashing your innermost psycho to the one you love in the hopes that it will make a point? Why can't we just be level-headed or at the very least not of an unsound mind? I'll tell you why - because we are wired that way. Wild Animals fight to the death for a mating partner so for all intents and purposes why shouldn't we? If I had a pound for every time I've wanted to kill another girl with the mere thought of her name or a piercing look, I would probably be able to buy a nice little island off the coast of Antigua and ENSURE that my man never strays.

My ex: 'Oh yeah?...can you move out of the way? you're blocking the TV...'

I'm sure you all remember him.

I had the CRAZIES real bad

EXHIBIT 1: One day after we had one of our blow up fights and I had stormed off to my flat with the requisite door slamming on the way out, I got home and promptly called him 112 times. YES ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE. I called, disconnected and called again, with no regards whatsoever to the fact that this was the act of an all out DERANGED person. I sat there with a completely impassive face and hit redial over and over again. I had not planned what I was going to say, I had not even imagined that he may have thought I was on my way to becoming a serial killer and had thrown his phone out of the window, no my dear readers, I kept calling until my battery died.

EXHIBIT 2: Again, during one of our blow up fights, I could sense that I was losing the upper hand so I simply fell to the ground and started screaming, and I don't mean a harmless sort of wailing, I mean a scream that could rival banshee's, I certainly believe in fully committing to everything I do, so I worked the rent out of my lungs. I'm actually pretty surprised his flatmates didn't call the police on us - they were probably afraid I would have clawed their eyes out *shrug*. So the whole time I was caterwauling, my ex looked at me with pure fear on his face and I mean the sort of fear that makes you change your number and your address. And your name. So I changed tactic and started sobbing, again I worked those tear ducts, coaxing out tears I didn't even know I had. Fortunately he began to look less afraid and more concerned (probably oscillating between having me committed and giving me a hug). My point is, I GOT WHAT I WANTED! And all because I acted crazy.

EXHIBIT 3: the SAME ex (God what was wrong with me back then?)had a girlfriend for the first few months we were dating (so yes yes, i was the 'other woman') and we never really mentioned her but I knew the day would come when she would have to come and visit him. The dreaded day arrived and I was holed up in my flat trying (and failing) to ward off the CRAZIES, thinking to myself, 'LG just maintain some small dignity now, after last weeks screaming fiasco you have to save face!' So I did what any self-respecting female would do and I watched her arrive from my flat window (I had the front door view of his flat from mine). I catalogued her hair (longer than mine), her clothes (more expensive than mine), her shoes (amazing) and her ass (smaller than mine - haha! suck it bitch you cannot HAVE everything!!). I watched my exes front door for 14 hours that day in case they emerged to go somewhere and when they did not I became agitated because of course that must mean they were going at it like rabbits, so then I formed a course of action. I called his phone every 5 minutes and hung up so that it would distract him and frustrate her and hopefully she would throw something at his face and storm out and I would be able to nurse his wounds and coo sweet nothings in his ear about what a heartless bitch she was.

I obviously did not think this through because I heard a knock at my door and it was him yelling at me to


Friends, I ask you, what sane person would do these things? Surely these must be the acts of a deranged, deluded, socially inept, schizophrenic person.

No, I am completely normal, I have two degrees under my belt and I am very socially adept thank you very much. It was the CRAZIES!

All I can say is thank God he didn't have any small furry pets, or I would have boiled them.

WHY do you think there are so many songs about being 'crazy in love'? Does this mean that craziness is a part of every relationship, that it is unavoidable?


But the trick is to learn how to keep it safely sequestered on the INSIDE, to smile like the Stepford Wife that you aspire to be and take it out on a side of beef. To understand that men (and women as the case may be) can sometimes be infuriating to the point of injudiciousness, but you CAN'T act on it, you simply can't. If you are anything like me you will learn over the years to reign it in until you can simply brush it off and move on. No doubt I still have moments when I want to scream like a banshee and hurl things like I'm competing in the Olympics; and my boyfriend should consider himself extremely lucky that I did all these things in my previous relationships.

'All-Consuming Love'

You hear this phrase so often you never stop to think about that it means. Love should consume you like the fires of hell? It should envelop you till it is all you can think about? Well, what happens when you lose love?


You stop eating, bathing, sleeping, functioning! This is how it goes isn't it? All those Hollywood, Bollywood and Nollywood films we watch about heartbreak and how the scorned lover does not get out of bed for days, it's not merely fiction, it is real life! The only difference is that in real life we do not always emerge stronger women, or find an even better kind of love in the coffee shop that would render the old love null and void. We have eye twitches and cynicism and paranoia. We don't always the next Mr right immediately or even at all.

So this crazy little thing called Love?

You have the CRAZIES when your in love and you're just downright CRAZY when you lose love. When do we win *looks up at the sky imploringly* WHEN?

Take it from me blogsville if I can survive the CRAZIES and being CRAZY when the Crazy motherfucker left me, so can YOU. It's all about finding the balance in life; finding love but not letting it consume you. Battling the CRAZIES every single damn day.

I guess we women are all just great pretenders! :D

P.S. On a slightly crazier note, I came across the YouTube Phenomenon 'Smell Yo Dick'. In a nutshell when the Lady has gotten so frustrated over calling and texting her man to no avail, she decides that he must be cheating and when he gets home, requests (not very politely might I add) that he should allow her to get a whiff of his Love Stick to see if it has been loving someone else?!!

I can only say that if you ever feel like doing something like this, it's time to pack your bags and check yourself in to the nearest facility!

Till next time lovers

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Dreams of Lemons and Goat's Cheese

So sorry for the long absence!! o have just been soooo busy :(

I moved back to Nigeria 7 months ago and in that time I have come to realise that the Nigeria I left is very different from the one I came back to; or perhaps I am just older and a little more observant. I moved back with a head full of ideas and optimism residing firmly within my heart. I had so much stuff I wanted to ‘do’; after all Nigeria is the land of opportunity! Yes, the primary reason for my Big Move was to get the ghastly NYSC out of the way, but who cared? I could still fulfil my every dream on the side.

After taxiing down that familiar bumpy runway and emerging from a hot airport into an even hotter night, I inhaled the scents (pollution) of my country and thought ‘I am home’.

The next couple of weeks did little to bring me down from the cloud on which I was cruising along at full speed. I had a myriad of events to keep my occupied while never forgetting that this was the beginning of my life, my success and my many, many pairs of Louboutins. A few weeks into the revelry, I remembered that I had to sort out the registration for my NYSC so I got on a plane headed for Abuja to fill in the necessary paperwork.

Sadly, this little excursion brought about the abrupt end of my I Heart Nigeria campaign. Upon arriving at the NYSC secretariat in Abuja I was made to wait 2 hours by the gate because the offices did not open until ten (in an official building?). When the gates finally opened a stream of people, seemingly materializing out of thin air, shoved past me and into a door at the side of the building. When I finally made it into the stuffy little room where registration for foreign students was being held, the first thing I noticed was one of the officials eating a hearty breakfast of Yam and Sardine Stew shouting with a full mouth that we should ‘shift, shift!’ so her driver could squeeze past with a bottle of Maltina...and so it began.

The government of Nigeria asserts that before you can begin to serve yourself, you must serve your country, and so, my dreams of coming to home and instantly striking the proverbial gold were dashed by those four letters that relegate you to the role of ‘minion’ for a whole year in any corporation or organisation. And not only are you minion, you are underpaid, overworked, regularly abused minion, that is to say Dirt Beneath the Manager’s Shoe. I feel especially sorry for the bankers who work 12-18 hour days only to spend four hours in traffic getting home. So when do they sleep?

Ah, traffic. Another Nigerian affliction most people cannot avoid. With a city as overpopulated as Lagos, traffic is inevitable but when people spend the same amount of time on the road that I spent travelling across the Atlantic to get here from England, well, that’s ridiculous.

Of course, it varies depending on where one lives; those who live on the island are lucky, or should I say luckier than others because believe me you can spend two out of the four hours getting from one end of Ajose Adeogun to the other. People like me who live in VGC (or Ogun State as my friend affectionately calls it) have to adhere to a strict bed time of 9pm if we wish to wake up at 5am to get to work before 8am and still be fully functional at work. This brings me to the issue of driving. I can’t speak for everyone but the minute I got back I started lobbying for a car based on the rationale that I would need to get from A to B. Of course at the time I hadn’t factored in all the possible obstacles I might encounter getting from said A to B. One thing to have at the forefront of your mind is that in Nigeria is there is not such thing as a simple A→B. These obstacles may take the form of a driver in the next lane who thinks that by cutting in front of you he will get home quicker, which indeed he will but only by about 3 seconds. Or it may take the form of an ‘okada’ zooming past you window out of nowhere leaving you the wonderful gift of a scratched side view mirror or, if they are feeling especially solicitous, a dented door.

Then when you have finally had enough and decide to hire a driver, you remember you can’t! Why? Because the average driver earns more than you make (as a minion).

One day last week, while stuck in traffic, I was daydreaming about all the things I missed most about England. I missed the Tube, I Missed the shops, I missed the food....oh glorious food. Gone are the days when I could stroll down to Tesco and buy anything that took my fancy. In that moment I would have killed (or at least maimed) someone for a goat’s cheese salad...I felt a bump one the side of the car, opened my eyes and say the retreating figure of...a goat! Perched somewhat uncomfortably on the back of an okada.

What cruelty is this, universe?

Another thing I wasn’t quite prepared for was the wonderful non-services rendered to us by PHCN. I always knew what the electricity situation was like in Nigeria, but when I’m on holiday, I’m living in a kind of dream world, oblivious to the hardships occurring around me only seeking out the next party. I spent one weekend in my grandmothers house in Yaba (PHCN is especially attentive to the mainland) drenched in sweat fervently praying to God that he show some mercy on his humble servant in the form of electricity. For the first time in my life I did not sleep a single wink through out the night. The air was completely still; not the faintest whisper of a breeze to be found. And when I thought the situation had become akin to hell on earth, an ear-splitting chant penetrated the turgid air surrounding me and jumped straight into my brain. It was 5 am on a Friday. Prayer time at the mosque.

I mean, people have gotten so used to the lack of power that in the rare instances that we have power for more than 12 hours straight we start getting our businesses in order for the imminent end of the world.

Services in this country seem to be rendered in two flavours..painfully slow snail’s pace or highly inefficient bordering on ignorant. I can’t even begin to recount the experiences I have had. I’ll just tell you of one.

I was in an ‘Italian’ restaurant with my boyfriend the other day and I wanted bread with my pasta. I asked the waitress if she could bring some bread to the table. About 20 minutes later, I called her over and asked her if she forgot about the bread. She didn’t know I meant before the main meal. So another 10 minutes go by and the waitress arrives at our table with 4 slices of sliced bread, toasted and buttered for us. I looked down at my plate and thought it was some sort of mistake, or a joke at the very least?

I told her usually when someone asks for bread (in an Italian restaurant they claim!) it comes in the form of a roll. An unbuttered roll.

‘ok should I roll the bread?’

Since moving back, i've gained about 6 kilos (14 pounds). This is despicable. i reckon it has something to so with the fact that i eat the same amount (or possibly more) and walk absolutely nowhere! Coming from a place where you had to walk almost everywhere, it's no surprise I am now the size of a small house.

And trust me, heat and extra weight do not go hand in hand. so my friend introduced me to the 'master cleanse', Beyonce's so called 'miracle' diet where she ate no solid food but drank a mixture of lemons, maple syrup and cayenne pepper for two weeks and lost 20 pounds for her role on Dreamgirls. The good thing about this cleanse is that it acts as a detox too, this is necessary for people living in Nigeria...I mean the amount of shit we put in our body (sorry!). The palm oil, the starchy carbs, the unwashed greens, the red meat, the poorly filtered water etc.

So i had my maple syrup, and my cayenne pepper, so all I needed were Lemons! I went to the market and bought about 12. Got home, squeezed them and....nothing! my Stewardess informed me that 'local lemons' have very little juice. So I went to Shoprite (Nigeria's Tesco :)) and to my shock and horror, lemons there were N2000/pound, thats like N2000 for 4 lemons! did I mention I was a minion? And considering the fact that 6 lemons are needed for one day's mixture...well i was screwed. It's a good thing Lent is coming up...I am fasting! (cheap and effective :))

So as you can see...

Frustration is my constant companion, with anger as his sometimes lover.

But I have to admit, despite all this, I'm still very very happy to be back!


Be back soon!

Thursday, 14 August 2008

To Lie or not To Lie...That is the Question.


I am sooooo sorry for the long breaks in between my posts....I have just been busy busy busy (shopping)..I'm on holiday so forgive me!

So before I jump right into the reason for the ominous title...I just wanted to update you guys on the GIMP situation.

So...I kind of stopped thinking about him the minute I got to Nigeria. I just didn't want to waste valuable time on him. So I went about my business and that's when I met Mr. Perfect..or M.P. for short...but you already know about all that :)

So I was online the day after I got back and he started talking to me (on MSN) first instinct was to ignore him but he kept sending messages and I decided it wouldn't hurt to find out what he wanted...

Gimp: Oh, so now you are answering me?
LG: I don't understand...

Gimp: I know you went to Nigeria. You didn't even call to say goodbye!

LG: Er...I didn't think I needed to...

Gimp: So all those conversations meant nothing?

LG: Say what?

Gimp: The least you could do was inform me we were no longer speaking

LG: We're not not speaking, I was just busy

Gimp: Good, because I was sort of hoping we could pick up where we left off, Gimp has been wondering what's going through LG's mind
(he has this annoying habit of speaking in the third person...which fucks me off to be honest...why didn't I notice this before?!)
LG: Nothing really...what do you mean 'pick up where we left off'
*laughs* you are funny...
Gimp: I'm serious

LG: But you can't be

Gimp: What is your problem

LG: I doubt I'm the one with the problem

Gimp: So you are saying you don't want to keep talking?

LG: Oh, we can talk...we're friends right?

Gimp: Do you think we were talking as friends?

LG: No, but you told me you didn't want a girlfriend

Gimp: At the time, yes

LG: Well, it doesn't matter now...

Gimp: Seen

LG: Word

Gimp: You are funny...

LG: Thank you...I get that all the time...

Gimp: I don't mean funny ha ha. I mean funny! frustrate me...

LG: Taste of your own medicine

Gimp: Huh?

LG: Never mind...gotta go. peace
*signs out*

Say it with me now....SATISFACTION!!!!!! :D

You guys remember my Ex?

Ex: oh yeah?..can u move out of the way, you're blocking the TV...

Yeah, that one...he did the same thing!...Almost a year later he was telling me I will never find another one like him...that no one will ever give it to me as good as he did...

well guess what?? I FAKED IT!

I said it!


I cannot for the life of me understand why boys behave in such a confused manner! I swear it always happens like this. Was I not good enough when I was interested? Why do you have to wait a couple months and then decide you want me? And it seems to be a common phenomenon...I know they say you never know what you have until it's gone and all that good stuff...

But you are just a big fat idiot if you didn't realise what you had when you had it because once it's might not come back fool!

Pardon my ire...I'm just annoyed...thank goodness for MP.....Sigh :)


Back to the reason for this post!

The other day I was talking to MP and he was telling me how he loves the way I dress. That he was shopping online for some things for himself and saw some things he thought I would like...based on what he had seen me wear.

So, ok...I thought, that's sweet...I thought he wanted me to choose them and then he would pay...

but then he said those dreaded words

'So, I was wondering what size you were'


I know some of you are like...what's the big deal? but trust me...It's a big deal. One of two things could happen...

1. He could guess too small...forcing you to lie through your teeth and agree with him because you feel so flattered.

2. He could guess too big and you spend the rest of the day feeling like an elephant.

Now....if you are a skinny little thing...and you have no qualms about telling him you are a size 6...good on you....

But I am by no means a skinny little thing...I have copious amounts of junk in my trunk..feel me?

And no matter what anyone says...the difference between two sizes can be like the difference between being sexy and being fat.

Once it gets into the double just sounds big...Don't get me wrong...a 10 is a good size...but compared to an 8 it sounds massive...and a 12!'s one size from a 10...but you can get away with a 10 because 10 brings perfection to mind...And some guys are just to them all girls should be a single digit size!

So of course I didn't know if he was one of these that's when the question popped into my mind...

'To Lie or not to Lie'

But he beat me to it.

MP: You look like a 10 but because of your hips and bum-which I love-sometimes a 12
LG: *Silence*

MP: You there?

LG: That's about right...

MP: Cool...I love your size...those thighs...
*And the rest of this conversation is not appropriate for this post* :)


I'm sure some of you think I'm crazy...but I have to be honest here right? And don't lie...

Some of you would have lied.

Shame on you



Saturday, 26 July 2008

He had me at hello...

Hola Blogsville!

I am so so sorry for this unnecessarily long absence! I have just been really busy ;)

I haven't actually been on blogger for a I have missed some of you very very much. Charzy my know I could never abandon you!

Well I did promise to give you the gist and here it is!

About a month ago I had all but given up on finding a man. Not because of any reason in particular, I just thought i would focus my energy on other things. But you know what they say...Its when you least expect it. I have never really been a fan of cliches but this time I had to admit I was right in the middle of one.

This may sound like the plot of a movie...but he works in my dad's office, thus making me the boss's daughter!

I was walking around the office saying hi to a bunch of people I knew that worked there...there were a few new people and I thought I may as well introduce myself to them. When I walked into his office all I could see at first was the back of his head, so I walked up to him to say hi....When he turned around I became this blinking fish of an idiot

BF: Oh Hello, you must be Mr ******'s Daughter, I'm BF
LG: (In a teeny voice) Um...yeah
BF: Heard so much about you (smiles)
LG: (Melts) Um...yeah
BF: Ok....So how are you finding Nigeria?
LG: OK...It's ok I mean
BF: OK, well nice to meet you
LG: Yeah

I could not believe it...I really could not believe it and felt like asking for a do-over...but how stupid would that look

'Oh hey, excuse my earlier behaviour, I was just dazzled by your good looks and your obviously amazing'

I could have kicked myself...but then I would have fallen over and made more of a fool of myself.

Over the next couple of weeks, I saw him about 3 times in the office when I suddenly needed to get something from there of just visit my dad. Not in a stalkerish way! You know, in a cool, I just needed to show him I wasn't a complete spastic way!

So we kind of developed this friendly banter...and it was all good...I kept telling myself to get over this feeling I had because obviously he didn't feel the same we talked more I found out we went to the same Uni...only he went 5 years before me...we liked the same music...we hated the same things...I realised that we actually had chemistry...but what could I do about it??

I decided to invite him for this party I was going to since I had two extra tickets. He said he would come...

I cannot tell you (very sadly) how many hours of preparation went into that party...I thought it might be my chance to let him know what was up...:)

So he gets to the party and I am looking very hot if I do say so he comes up to me and tells me I look hot! Score!

We somehow ended up dancing the whole night...which was almost 3 hours...So I was happy :) Then he gave me the Look...and leaned in lips puckered of their own volition...any second now...

He moved back

BF: I don't know LG, I work for your father, it might be weird.


LG: Er...ok

I extracted myself from within his sexy arms and walked away.
In my mind it sounded like an excuse, but the more optimistic part of me decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. It possibly could be weird to date the daughter of the man you work for.

The next day i decided to write it off as a fluke attraction...and move on.
I call BF to let him know there were no hard feelings...

BF: I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, but I can't seem to get last night out of my head...Maybe we should get to know each other better?

*doing a little victory dance*
LG: (In an ultra cool if I hadn't been doing a victory dance) Ok...

So it began! We spoke on the phone for hours...and the rest they say is history!

He took me out for dinner one night at a really nice restaurant...he opened doors and pulled out chairs. We decided to go to club after dinner...We went to 3 clubs and danced and talked... at the third club we were dancing, I was facing him...and before I knew it his lips were on mine.

Sweet Mother of God

The whole club melted away. I couldn't feel my legs. It lasted an eternity

(This is so cheesy I know. But i can't help it! It's true...Gosh thinking about it now gives me shivers :) )

So the rest really IS history.

I am currently on holiday...and its hard to be away from him when we just started going out...

I don't think I have ever felt this connection with a person before...He knows me even though we have only 'known' each other for little over a month...He is the most considerate and thoughtful guy I have ever met...

Could this be the one?

Ok, ok it seems a tad bit premature to say....but I'm telling you blogsville...the way I feel on the inside...I cant really describe it :)

He told me that even though some people think it is 'out of sight, out of mind' its different for him because for once he isn't thinking rationally and he doesn't like me in his mind, he likes me in his heart.

His friend asked me if I had used jazz on him (LOL!) because he has never seen his friend act this way...this is his friend who never liked PDA, who never really looked at a girl like this, holding my hand at all times, kissing me every 5 minutes, smiling every time he talks about me...

Well, what can I say? I have that effect on guys. :-D

So, now I am in this amazing relationship and I cant remember a time when I wasn't happy...I know there is always a 'honeymoon period' but I don't care...all I can think about is the now.

I sound like a big mushy idiot, I know :)

Allow me


Thursday, 17 July 2008


Dear Blogsville,

Sooooooooo sorry for the extra-long hiatus. I have been busy...BUSY FALLING IN LOVE!

It's a tad bit dramatic, I know, but I don't care!...the sun is shining brighter, the birds are singing!...(actually, it's raining and the only birds around are those damned pigeons...but you get what i mean...everything's good!!)

I'll fill you all in when I find the time in between being swept off my feet! :-)


Saturday, 17 May 2008

Lady and the Gimp

There are guys you KNOW want you

There are guys you KNOW want to have sex with you.

There are girls who can tell the difference a mile off

There are girls who have trouble differentiating the two


There are girls who intentionally blur the lines because to them any guy is better than no guy at all.

It is so easy to fall into the third category...

my theory is...nothing right is ever easy...

The following are snippets of conversations I had with a guy. A guy who i KNOW wants to have sex with me...yet I find myself drawn like a moth to the light.

The guy...who will be referred to as Unashamedly Trying To Get Into My Pants (UTTGIMP)...or 'Gimp' for short (simply because he is such a gimp!)

We Met...A while back
We Talked...for hours
We Danced...all night at a party
We Kissed.

and then

he said

'I'm not looking for a girlfriend'

LG: Did he just say what I think he said?

Brain: Yes. Yes, I believe he did.

LG: So what did the kiss mean? (oh I hate myself so for asking this)
Gimp: You look pretty tonight...but I'm just not looking for a girlfriend

Ok...I went home...I was drunk...maybe i misunderstood

Brain: No, heard him all right

Next morning...sober

*on the phone*

LG: Look Gimp, I'm not the sort of girl who has 'things' with guys. I have enough friends. I'm not asking you to change your mind. I'm simply telling you that I'm not going to be your 'thing'.
Gimp: Why are you running away from me?
LG: Explain
Gimp: Just because I said I wasn't looking for a girlfriend doesn't mean, we cant still talk to one another



LG: I have to go *click*

next day the phone rings

LG: Hello?
Gimp: Are u still running?
LG: Not at all. We can keep talking (first mistake)

And we kept talking...I almost forgot he had told me he didn't want a girlfriend...I thought I was changing his mind (yes, I was that girl...)

*on MSN*

Gimp: Send me a picture
LG: OK...
*5 mins later*
Gimp: No...a more risque picture
LG: I don't have any
Gimp: Take one
LG: time

what was I doing? even considering taking the picture...what had become of my dignity? my common sense?

*on the phone*
Gimp: I misjudged you...
LG: How so?
Gimp: You are an intellectual. You know what you want out of life...most girls I meet are vain...or have been handed everything in life. You want to make a difference

Happy Happy JOY JOY!!!

Brain: Don't count your chickens just yet..

Gimp: When are u coming to see me?
LG: well, I might come sometime next week (second mistake)
Gimp: I really want to get inside your head *translation: inside your pants*
LG: we can do that over the phone
Gimp: No, I want to talk to you about some business plan... I need your input (smooth move)
LG: ok. sure. I'll come see you

I went to see Gimp...and fortunately nothing happened...but he knew what he was doing.
He cooked for me
He wore tight jeans
He bent over a lot (lol)

I was in Lust

While we were talking I noticed a ring on a chain around his I asked

LG: whats that?
Gimp: oh this? A girl i used to see gave it to me
LG: *heart sinking* And you still wear it?
Gimp: Yes, if I ever thought I could marry someone it was her
Gimp: why so quiet?
LG: oh..nothing...I better be going
Gimp: Ok...when I catch you next time *wink*

two weeks later....(in a good place)

*on the phone*
Gimp: why have you been avoiding me?
LG: look, I told you I wasn't really looking for a friend...I don't know what got into obviously have some unfinished business with that ring around your neck
Gimp: No, we're finished. I was just telling you I could have married her

Brain: So why does he still wear it?

LG: Ok, whats up?
Gimp: I want to see you
LG: I'm really busy at the moment
Gimp: so, when you're less busy
LG: Why, do you want us to talk more about your business plan?
Gimp: No, I want to bite you
LG: *blush*
Gimp: are u blushing?
LG: of course not! (serious voice)
Gimp: You look like you could be a freak
LG: excuse me?
Gimp: you know, the way you danced with me at that party...only someone with a lot of confidence would have danced with me like that. only a confident person would be a freak
LG: I don't think the two are connected in any way
Gimp: I beg to differ...just come and see me first
LG: what will you do? ( i couldn't resist)
Gimp: you will just have to wait and see
LG: hmmm...I'm not a freak though
Gimp: maybe we consider different things freaky
LG: whats freaky to you?
Gimp: whats freaky to you?
LG: *laughing* I asked you first
Gimp: Ok, tying up, bondage...that sort of stuff
LG: hmmm...
Gimp: was that an affirmative 'hmmm' I heard?
LG: it was a neutral 'hmmm'
Gimp: I cant stand it when I'm in bed with a girl and I feel like its a one-man show
LG: what do you mean?
Gimp: I'm doing all the work, she has no reaction...sort of like a don't look like the log type

Brain: LG, I think you should...

my mind was telling me to quit while I was ahead
my body was dancing to an entirely different tune...

LG: You can't know that just by looking at me and talking to me
Gimp: something tells me I'm right
LG: Like what?
Gimp: My 'Voice of Desire''s never wrong
LG: You are funny
Gimp: I'm serious...
LG: well...(feebly)...i'm not having sex with you if that's what you're getting at...I wouldn't have sex with just anyone
Gimp: I'm not just anyone
LG: Yeah...(wtf, YEAH?!?!)..i mean are
Gimp: No I am?
LG: I mean Yes, you are
Gimp: are u flustered?
LG: not at all! *fans self*

attempt to change the subject

*after some talk about the future*
Gimp: how many children do you want?
LG: I don't know, maybe 3
Gimp: when do you see yourself getting married?
LG: Erm..I cant really
Gimp: well, I'm not even ready to settle down yet..I have to sort out my business first

Brain: In case you didn't hear him right the first time...hiss

LG: oh...ok
Gimp: What are you wearing
LG: Pyjamas
Gimp: So you're in bed?
LG: Yes
Gimp: hmmm
LG: that seemed like a loaded 'hmmm'
Gimp: It's what you want it to be

My head hurt...why was he doing this? Or more importantly...why was I letting him?
But...I'm neither weak nor stupid (most of the time anyway)
I decided to call it a night before I whipped out my card and hopped on the last train...

The next morning...I told FashionGirl and DancerGirl

FG: You see the shit...So why do you jump into it?
LG: I'm a big girl (God, I'm pathetic)
FG: It's what everyone one is immune
LG: But, i could just get it out of my system
FG: I'm going to slap you now
LG: Ok ok ok...
DG: Ok, why don't you just go and do it and them come back and tell us how it was...
LG: Really??
DG: NO! big fool!
FG: He knows what he is doing
DG: He's probably done it before
LG: He did seem kind of smooth...and practised
FG: because he is
DG: Why do you think he still wears the ring?
LG: Sigh

So now...its 01.29 am....

And I'm thinking...I'm thinking...I should not be thinking about him...the very thought of his face looming towards mine should send me into a fit of dare he!

How dare he seduce me?
How dare he be the light to my moth?

I know when FG reads this she will slap me.
Maybe subconsciously I want her to

P.S. FG please don't sneak up on me and slap me...I'm coming to my senses...promise


Friday, 2 May 2008

Been There, Done That....

I was thinking the other day about how sometimes we find ourselves in situations we wouldn't normally expect to find ourselves in....

if someone told us we were capable of making such obtuse decisions...we would probably 'who is this person?...*hiss*...he obviously doesn't know me!...'

And then we go and prove them right!

***an aside*** FashionGirl pointed out the most random thing to me the other day...why are 'hairy' situations...named as such? what exactly is hairy about them?


As a member of the fairer sex, i know it's kinda hard to find the balance between making the RIGHT decision and making the decision you WANT to make...and it's especially hard to make any kind of lasting decision when it comes to a guy...

I hear about girls getting themselves into all sorts of hairy situations...ones that in my opinion have a big red blazing 'NO!' hanging above them....i mean, really...who could be that stupid?

But...i find myself sympathising with girls or even guys who find themselves in these situations...with barely a soup├žon of dignity left in the miserable soap opera's of their lives!

...because I, my friends, have been one of those unfortunate people.

Scenario 1
The classic 'other woman' situation. Now, i know that at least one in five people who read this blog will either have been in this situation or would know someone who has been or currently is in this situation.

You meet a guy, and he's really cool...u click. everything is perfect. Except for one thing...he has a, you can either find out by yourself...or he could even tell you himself...either way, there's suddenly an obstacle in the way of your happily ever after.

This is where the big red blazing 'NO!' should become apparent.

When this happened to me...i saw the big red no...i saw it getting closer and closer...and even when it was smacking me repeatedly on the forehead...i went ahead and sealed my fate as the other woman.

People have all kinds of reasons for staying in this may be because you are may because you THINK you can handle it...'I'm a big girl...this is the 21st century...yadda yadda' may be because he SWEARS he is going to break up with his girlfriend...that it was over anyway (i think this is the most common reason!).

Remember the ex i wrote about?
'Oh yeah?...can you move out of the way? you're blocking the tv...'

well, when i met him he had a girlfriend...and i was lucky enough (not) to find out about if from a friend of mine who knew his girlfriend...and at this point...we had already been out on a few dates...kissed...exchanged charming stories about our childhood (you know, the point of no return) naturally i was gutted....

but being young and gullible, i believed him when he said he would break up with her....6 months went by and, well...

'i'm trying to babe...but you know, i don't want to hurt her feelings'
yeah? what about mine fucker?

eventually...i gave up waiting...i picked the shards of what dignity i had left off the floor of his bedroom and got the hell out of there (which was made easy by the fact i was going to Nigeria for

Luckily (or unluckily) for me, he broke up with her and asked me out..and we enjoyed 6 months of argument-filled relationship bliss


It doesn't always end up this way though...i was one of the 'lucky' ones who got the guy in the end...but at what cost?...i lost his respect, the respect of my friends, the respect of his friends...and 6 perfectly good months of my life.

It might feel good for a moment...but for every moment he's not with YOU...u go crazy thinking he is with HER..which he probably IS...and if he REALLY wanted to break up with her and be with you..wild horses wouldn't keep him away.

that's the truth

Scenario 2
almost EVERYONE has a different opinion about how to handle this situation...the only safe way, i to define what exactly you can and can't take and stick to it.

If u can pardon a kiss...then do that...without dragging it out and hanging it over his head for the next 4 years of the relationship!....but if he has sex with another person...absolutely under no circumstances should u let him off the hook.

chances are..through the course of the relationship, he discovers what your boundaries are..and the minute he knows you have relaxed the rules for him...he will have no qualms about taking the piss.

that's really all i can say about it....

its a shame really that the scarlet letter cant be reintroduced... :-)

Scenario 3
The 'two-timer' situation....this is sort of like the other woman situation..except..he is actually with you the same time...

personally, i think it takes a great deal of courage, bordering on stupidity to be the 'two-timer'. You have to keep both parties in the does one even manage that? I'm intrigued!

imagine this...two girls in the same school...some could even say they were friends...lived in the same block of flats...went to the same the same guy....

without knowing.

how did they find out? one girl finally saw the signs of a cheating man and decided (thinking that was all it was) to confront the other girl...

Girl 1:look, i don't know if there is anything going on with you and my boyfriend..but i would appreciate it if you stopped calling him so much...
Girl 2: Your boyfriend...what do you mean?...he's my boyfriend!

****stunned silence****

Girl 1:Are you having a laugh?

I kid you not...this happened...i bore witness.

doesn't your conscience just eat away at you when you do such a thing?
As a wise man once said...

'Self-interest, or rather self-love, or egoism, has been more plausibly substituted as the basis of morality...'

this wise man knew his shit.

Scenario 4
The 'he's just not that into you' situation...which i think is by far the one with the most opportunities to maintain some dignity....but as we all know...its easier said than done

imagine you meet a guy and he's charming or whatever...but u notice there's still something a little distant about him...

Justification 1.
he's just taking things slowly...he's uncertain about how he really feels about me...

and you cruise along for an indeterminate amount of time and you begin to feel him warming to you...u hone in on things that would otherwise be classified as normal behaviour...

he opens the door for you....
...oh he's falling for me!

he pays for dinner...
...surely he wouldn't do that if he wasn't falling for me!

he calls you 'babe'
...he loves me! (he also calls his sister 'babe')

and then one day you cant help yourself...u ask the dreaded question
'where is this going?'

and he's just like...'umm...where is what going...?'

Justification 2.
He's just not ready for commitment, I'm going to be the one who changes his mind...

then u work yourself into a frenzy trying to be the 'perfect' girl..u cook, u clean, u buy his sister a birthday card AND post it to Nigeria (with your money)...or something equally as stupid...
nothing changes.

well...the truth is
he is just not that into you...

he may be keeping you around because...lets hand it to you... you're smart, funny...and he doesn't mind the personal chef/maid service...

but girlfriend? not likely.

I hear stories about this happening to girls for YEARS...for years...they hold on to the hope that he will one day wake up and realise the girl of his dreams was in front of him all along...

Plus there is a possibility he finds the TRUE girl of his dreams while you are secretly planning the flower arrangements and bridesmaids dresses.

I think the sooner girls realise that he might just not be into them...the better for them...and truth be told..if a guy really wanted to be with you (and you weren't just overly impatient...or insane) wouldn't have to get the point where you have to ask where it's going!

I hope no one reading this has the misfortune of experiencing any of these scenarios...and if you already have...well then, I hope it's made you it has me!

Keep your eyes peeled for the big red blazing 'NO!'