When life (or Nigeria) Gives you Lemons....Make Special Lemonade (with a shot of vodka)!

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

You Drive Me Crazy

So over a year later and I am back! I have to be completely honest, I just felt like I had run out of material to blog about because (silly me) I thought 'I am happily ensconced in a wonderful relationship, look at me, NO MORE ANGST!!!' Well I am still happily ensconced and I have to admit my angst cup does not runneth over but I still have so much to say, not to mention that my previous posts were just a tip of the iceberg of my crazy experiences.

Periodically I come back to my blog and I read it and I say to myself, 'tomorrow I will blog!' But then I never do.

Yesterday out of sheer curiosity (not any hidden narcissistic tendencies, never!) I googled my blog and I found out that three people had recently 'tweeted' about my Blog and suddenly I wanted to GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANTED!!! (well the 3 people who seem to read and ACTUALLY like my blog)

so @IsokenObsidian, @NicosiNugo and @ImAbsy thank you for spending your valuable time reading my blog!!

Which brings me to the phenomenon that Twitter has become. A little over a year ago i joined the social network and was amazed at what people had to say in 140 characters or less! Its fascinating! disgusting! annoying! educational! I love it as much as I hate it. Everyone has an opinion about everything no matter how demented it makes them sound, people get into twitter fights with people they don't even know, people shamelessly stalk celebrities; the free media, gotta love it.

My post today is about something every single woman can relate to, it is about the CRAZIES. What are the CRAZIES you may ask and why is the word deserving of all caps you may ponder, well because the CRAZIES are part and parcel of every relationship, successful or otherwise.

Every girl at some time or another has had the CRAZIES, you know, the moment when you feel everything turning red and steam is pouring out of your ears and you begin to think of doing things that could get you 30 to life, in the calmest most justified manner? It manifests in different ways, it could be the harmless burning of all his worldly possessions, or perhaps hiring someone to spy on him or even to seduce him. It could take the form of a screaming match where you throw things at his head but deliberately miss because YES you want him to know you are ANGRY but you don't want to scar that pretty little face of his, and what really is the point of getting blood everywhere if you are likely to make up and have hot, torrid make up sex?

But, what really is the point? What is the point of unleashing your innermost psycho to the one you love in the hopes that it will make a point? Why can't we just be level-headed or at the very least not of an unsound mind? I'll tell you why - because we are wired that way. Wild Animals fight to the death for a mating partner so for all intents and purposes why shouldn't we? If I had a pound for every time I've wanted to kill another girl with the mere thought of her name or a piercing look, I would probably be able to buy a nice little island off the coast of Antigua and ENSURE that my man never strays.

My ex: 'Oh yeah?...can you move out of the way? you're blocking the TV...'

I'm sure you all remember him.

I had the CRAZIES real bad

EXHIBIT 1: One day after we had one of our blow up fights and I had stormed off to my flat with the requisite door slamming on the way out, I got home and promptly called him 112 times. YES ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE. I called, disconnected and called again, with no regards whatsoever to the fact that this was the act of an all out DERANGED person. I sat there with a completely impassive face and hit redial over and over again. I had not planned what I was going to say, I had not even imagined that he may have thought I was on my way to becoming a serial killer and had thrown his phone out of the window, no my dear readers, I kept calling until my battery died.

EXHIBIT 2: Again, during one of our blow up fights, I could sense that I was losing the upper hand so I simply fell to the ground and started screaming, and I don't mean a harmless sort of wailing, I mean a scream that could rival banshee's, I certainly believe in fully committing to everything I do, so I worked the rent out of my lungs. I'm actually pretty surprised his flatmates didn't call the police on us - they were probably afraid I would have clawed their eyes out *shrug*. So the whole time I was caterwauling, my ex looked at me with pure fear on his face and I mean the sort of fear that makes you change your number and your address. And your name. So I changed tactic and started sobbing, again I worked those tear ducts, coaxing out tears I didn't even know I had. Fortunately he began to look less afraid and more concerned (probably oscillating between having me committed and giving me a hug). My point is, I GOT WHAT I WANTED! And all because I acted crazy.

EXHIBIT 3: the SAME ex (God what was wrong with me back then?)had a girlfriend for the first few months we were dating (so yes yes, i was the 'other woman') and we never really mentioned her but I knew the day would come when she would have to come and visit him. The dreaded day arrived and I was holed up in my flat trying (and failing) to ward off the CRAZIES, thinking to myself, 'LG just maintain some small dignity now, after last weeks screaming fiasco you have to save face!' So I did what any self-respecting female would do and I watched her arrive from my flat window (I had the front door view of his flat from mine). I catalogued her hair (longer than mine), her clothes (more expensive than mine), her shoes (amazing) and her ass (smaller than mine - haha! suck it bitch you cannot HAVE everything!!). I watched my exes front door for 14 hours that day in case they emerged to go somewhere and when they did not I became agitated because of course that must mean they were going at it like rabbits, so then I formed a course of action. I called his phone every 5 minutes and hung up so that it would distract him and frustrate her and hopefully she would throw something at his face and storm out and I would be able to nurse his wounds and coo sweet nothings in his ear about what a heartless bitch she was.

I obviously did not think this through because I heard a knock at my door and it was him yelling at me to


Friends, I ask you, what sane person would do these things? Surely these must be the acts of a deranged, deluded, socially inept, schizophrenic person.

No, I am completely normal, I have two degrees under my belt and I am very socially adept thank you very much. It was the CRAZIES!

All I can say is thank God he didn't have any small furry pets, or I would have boiled them.

WHY do you think there are so many songs about being 'crazy in love'? Does this mean that craziness is a part of every relationship, that it is unavoidable?


But the trick is to learn how to keep it safely sequestered on the INSIDE, to smile like the Stepford Wife that you aspire to be and take it out on a side of beef. To understand that men (and women as the case may be) can sometimes be infuriating to the point of injudiciousness, but you CAN'T act on it, you simply can't. If you are anything like me you will learn over the years to reign it in until you can simply brush it off and move on. No doubt I still have moments when I want to scream like a banshee and hurl things like I'm competing in the Olympics; and my boyfriend should consider himself extremely lucky that I did all these things in my previous relationships.

'All-Consuming Love'

You hear this phrase so often you never stop to think about that it means. Love should consume you like the fires of hell? It should envelop you till it is all you can think about? Well, what happens when you lose love?


You stop eating, bathing, sleeping, functioning! This is how it goes isn't it? All those Hollywood, Bollywood and Nollywood films we watch about heartbreak and how the scorned lover does not get out of bed for days, it's not merely fiction, it is real life! The only difference is that in real life we do not always emerge stronger women, or find an even better kind of love in the coffee shop that would render the old love null and void. We have eye twitches and cynicism and paranoia. We don't always the next Mr right immediately or even at all.

So this crazy little thing called Love?

You have the CRAZIES when your in love and you're just downright CRAZY when you lose love. When do we win *looks up at the sky imploringly* WHEN?

Take it from me blogsville if I can survive the CRAZIES and being CRAZY when the Crazy motherfucker left me, so can YOU. It's all about finding the balance in life; finding love but not letting it consume you. Battling the CRAZIES every single damn day.

I guess we women are all just great pretenders! :D

P.S. On a slightly crazier note, I came across the YouTube Phenomenon 'Smell Yo Dick'. In a nutshell when the Lady has gotten so frustrated over calling and texting her man to no avail, she decides that he must be cheating and when he gets home, requests (not very politely might I add) that he should allow her to get a whiff of his Love Stick to see if it has been loving someone else?!!

I can only say that if you ever feel like doing something like this, it's time to pack your bags and check yourself in to the nearest facility!

Till next time lovers


Barefeet said...

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAFFFFOO WANT TO KILL ME ...AND BELIEVE ME CRAZINESS CANT STOP ME...kai I missed ur posts like crazy...nice sef i get crazy...but hey make we no reach that last line of you tube thats obssessive...altho on a hush wen im thinkin his cheating and he comes in to give me a hug i sniff on his neck as we cuddle..shh dont tell...come back oo...dont run away till next year .,..u are the first blog i ever followed and ur blog made me join blogsville..or else ill stalk u to twitter.. not!

LemonadeGirl said...

AWWWW thank you Barefeet! I promise i'll try and Blog more often. At the very least once every two months! xxx