Been There, Done That....

I was thinking the other day about how sometimes we find ourselves in situations we wouldn't normally expect to find ourselves in....

if someone told us we were capable of making such obtuse decisions...we would probably laugh...like 'who is this person?...*hiss*...he obviously doesn't know me!...'

And then we go and prove them right!


***an aside*** FashionGirl pointed out the most random thing to me the other day...why are 'hairy' situations...named as such? what exactly is hairy about them?

ok...

As a member of the fairer sex, i know it's kinda hard to find the balance between making the RIGHT decision and making the decision you WANT to make...and it's especially hard to make any kind of lasting decision when it comes to a guy...

I hear about girls getting themselves into all sorts of hairy situations...ones that in my opinion have a big red blazing 'NO!' hanging above them....i mean, really...who could be that stupid?

But...i find myself sympathising with girls or even guys who find themselves in these situations...with barely a soupçon of dignity left in the miserable soap opera's of their lives!

...because I, my friends, have been one of those unfortunate people.



Scenario 1
The classic 'other woman' situation. Now, i know that at least one in five people who read this blog will either have been in this situation or would know someone who has been or currently is in this situation.

You meet a guy, and he's really cool...u click. everything is perfect. Except for one thing...he has a girlfriend...now, you can either find out by yourself...or he could even tell you himself...either way, there's suddenly an obstacle in the way of your happily ever after.

This is where the big red blazing 'NO!' should become apparent.

When this happened to me...i saw the big red no...i saw it getting closer and closer...and even when it was smacking me repeatedly on the forehead...i went ahead and sealed my fate as the other woman.

People have all kinds of reasons for staying in this situation...it may be because you are lonely....it may because you THINK you can handle it...'I'm a big girl...this is the 21st century...yadda yadda'....it may be because he SWEARS he is going to break up with his girlfriend...that it was over anyway (i think this is the most common reason!).

Remember the ex i wrote about?
'Oh yeah?...can you move out of the way? you're blocking the tv...'

well, when i met him he had a girlfriend...and i was lucky enough (not) to find out about if from a friend of mine who knew his girlfriend...and at this point...we had already been out on a few dates...kissed...exchanged charming stories about our childhood (you know, the point of no return)...so naturally i was gutted....

but being young and gullible, i believed him when he said he would break up with her....6 months went by and, well...

'i'm trying to babe...but you know, i don't want to hurt her feelings'
yeah? what about mine fucker?

eventually...i gave up waiting...i picked the shards of what dignity i had left off the floor of his bedroom and got the hell out of there (which was made easy by the fact i was going to Nigeria for summer...lol)

Luckily (or unluckily) for me, he broke up with her and asked me out..and we enjoyed 6 months of argument-filled relationship bliss

:-(

It doesn't always end up this way though...i was one of the 'lucky' ones who got the guy in the end...but at what cost?...i lost his respect, the respect of my friends, the respect of his friends...and 6 perfectly good months of my life.

It might feel good for a moment...but for every moment he's not with YOU...u go crazy thinking he is with HER..which he probably IS...and if he REALLY wanted to break up with her and be with you..wild horses wouldn't keep him away.

that's the truth



Scenario 2
Infidelity.
almost EVERYONE has a different opinion about how to handle this situation...the only safe way, i think...is to define what exactly you can and can't take and stick to it.

If u can pardon a kiss...then do that...without dragging it out and hanging it over his head for the next 4 years of the relationship!....but if he has sex with another person...absolutely under no circumstances should u let him off the hook.

chances are..through the course of the relationship, he discovers what your boundaries are..and the minute he knows you have relaxed the rules for him...he will have no qualms about taking the piss.

that's really all i can say about it....

its a shame really that the scarlet letter cant be reintroduced... :-)



Scenario 3
The 'two-timer' situation....this is sort of like the other woman situation..except..he is actually with you BOTH...at the same time...

personally, i think it takes a great deal of courage, bordering on stupidity to be the 'two-timer'. You have to keep both parties in the dark...how does one even manage that? I'm intrigued!

imagine this...two girls in the same school...some could even say they were friends...lived in the same block of flats...went to the same clubs...dating the same guy....

without knowing.

how did they find out? one girl finally saw the signs of a cheating man and decided (thinking that was all it was) to confront the other girl...

Girl 1:look, i don't know if there is anything going on with you and my boyfriend..but i would appreciate it if you stopped calling him so much...
Girl 2: Your boyfriend...what do you mean?...he's my boyfriend!

****stunned silence****

Girl 1:Are you having a laugh?


I kid you not...this happened...i bore witness.

doesn't your conscience just eat away at you when you do such a thing?
well...
As a wise man once said...

'Self-interest, or rather self-love, or egoism, has been more plausibly substituted as the basis of morality...'

this wise man knew his shit.



Scenario 4
The 'he's just not that into you' situation...which i think is by far the one with the most opportunities to maintain some dignity....but as we all know...its easier said than done

imagine you meet a guy and he's charming or whatever...but u notice there's still something a little distant about him...

Justification 1.
he's just taking things slowly...he's uncertain about how he really feels about me...

and you cruise along for an indeterminate amount of time and you begin to feel him warming to you...u hone in on things that would otherwise be classified as normal behaviour...

he opens the door for you....
...oh he's falling for me!

he pays for dinner...
...surely he wouldn't do that if he wasn't falling for me!

he calls you 'babe'
...he loves me! (he also calls his sister 'babe')

and then one day you cant help yourself...u ask the dreaded question
'where is this going?'

and he's just like...'umm...where is what going...?'

Justification 2.
He's just not ready for commitment, I'm going to be the one who changes his mind...

then u work yourself into a frenzy trying to be the 'perfect' girl..u cook, u clean, u buy his sister a birthday card AND post it to Nigeria (with your money)...or something equally as stupid...
but...
nothing changes.

well...the truth is
he is just not that into you...

he may be keeping you around because...lets hand it to you... you're smart, funny...and he doesn't mind the personal chef/maid service...

but girlfriend? not likely.

I hear stories about this happening to girls for YEARS...for years...they hold on to the hope that he will one day wake up and realise the girl of his dreams was in front of him all along...

Plus there is a possibility he finds the TRUE girl of his dreams while you are secretly planning the flower arrangements and bridesmaids dresses.

I think the sooner girls realise that he might just not be into them...the better for them...and truth be told..if a guy really wanted to be with you (and you weren't just overly impatient...or insane)..it wouldn't have to get the point where you have to ask where it's going!


I hope no one reading this has the misfortune of experiencing any of these scenarios...and if you already have...well then, I hope it's made you stronger....like it has me!...lol

Keep your eyes peeled for the big red blazing 'NO!'

xxx